v e n t i n g

you were the one to tell me that double spacing was between the lines and not the words. . .

how can you awake in such high spirits and then go to another part of the house an get S H U T D O W N
the night before was lustful ..feeling so blessed things were finally shapening up. .and im happy. .B U T i forgot to please E V E R Y O N E
i just cant be happy if the rest of the world around me isnt feeling the same way. .i have way too many obligations to way to many people at such a young age..
i dont get it

i truly as thankful. .dont get me wrong i praise and pray to the Lord everyday even when the clouds are gray and heavy. .but i want to find my own sunshine. .while the others allow their clouds to break and allow rain to escape. .i want the heavenly sunshine to burst through.

*(deep meaningful sigh)
im just saying

woke up early this morning feeling better than good
but not all the way great
iLOVE the weather today
dont get my wrong ilike the sun just as much as the next person but today it's not needed
it's a cool cloudy day
just the way it should be
honestly no complaints
just that i dont know where to begin
where to start
you know
yesterday i had plenty of extra time but only seemed to be able to squeeze in the time to shower
better than nothing right
wrong
i have so much work that is due
projects
papers
midterms
etc
i know that i am not the only one but right now im concerned
about myself
yes, i am concerned about i
i have the will but lacking the strength
have the strength
but lacking the guidance
i dont know
there's something missing
it is what it is right
riiiiiiiight
love love love :)

drafting. .

whoa whoa whoa wait
come again
there has to be a change of plans
the touch of sand
the chill of the water
the rate of your heart
speeding of a bullet
shooting of a gun
the run of the mile
shooting the breeze
freeze
clamer up
possess a position of clearnace
making a longer
more vibrante
endurace of the everlasting
casting the spell
drifting the long lost souls
to dwell
in a place where they stare
stare
long and hard
stares turn to fiery glares
stairs then twist and twine
relapse and decline
on the brink of ignition
false start
reroute
the charted route
commute..

-aew'11

this simply can't be

i remember a time when i was happy.
the thing is when you're living in the moment, oneday it shall pass. and then you're forced to look back and try to make it your then again reality.
THiS simply can't be.

see, life is a mystery and the clues are hidden in plain sight but we're not able to figure it out until it's too late.
as of now, it's too late for me and my situation. to move on from this point is going to take a lot. the thought of this whole process made me over joyed. .but then to put it into play..im baffled.
i was so sure, but now. .eh. a bit iffy.

we need to let go and move on.
that's how we feel NOW
what about LATER

sheesh.
after all this time. .effort and EVERYTHING this is it?
this simply can't be.

bitter me?
im not sure.
just a little thrown off.
shaken up a little.
right when i was right there getting to the peak.
push down and stomped on.
c'mon coach.
put me in the game WITH A PLAN!!
cant allow me to shoot around blind folded. .
unless
that's what's meant for me to do.

ramblance.
endless ramblance.
i know that in the end i shall win
be where i need to be
OVER this whole situation
settled.
living LIFE
this is a defeated stance

ever what to just shut down
because they wont shut up?
yupp, it's about that time.
AWOL

yet, i feel selfish.
a strong woman like ME is not allowed to have weak moments.
i am ONLY ONE PERSON
that downfall is that I AM HUMAN
please see that.
take in to account all that has been done
what needs to be done
and who's helping me do it

the Lord carries me and places me at another starting line
i take my time to map out the travels
when in reality i should probably just go for it
but im afraid of a false start and starting over
or is it
that im just afraid to begin?

you win

5 months later. . .

wow, i havent wrote since Oct. 2010!! this is my first blog of 2011.

i guess i was starting to see it as pointless, i mean WHO reads these? well, mine at least. if you're not talking about the latest trends, who f*kn who, or that b*ch this or that. .then it all seems to flow down stream. sorry boo. .i dont do those.

well, the means of this one is. .well i have the need, feel to blabb. theres no one around so boop, the laptop is here. .hello love.

there has been alot of ish goin on within that time spand but in order for me to recall id need a time machince and recorder. .its been so UNREAL!!
do i dare dive into the matters at hand. .naw, not until they are fully played out.

so, until then. until i have something more to say. .i guess i'll go away. :(
all internet doings have felt my emptiness. .[fb, emails, twitter] to tech saavy things such as texts and phone calls, just havent felt the need to respond nor reach out. .it's all still inside. .

but. .but. .but im about ready to bust loose!! yea.

--count down to vegas--

today's projects

i am currently at work. .waiting to start my shift. .&& yes it is 7:04pm.
haha


well today has to be one of THE longest days!! && why does it always have to be on the days when you get the least amount of sleep and just dont feel well that you have the WHOLE WORLD to conquer!! SWEAR!!
which brings me to a semi off topic subject..im so through with group projects. for one, ive NEVER been the type who liked to work in groups and collab on ideas. iknow for those who know me and see how outgoing i am, prolly became shockened BUT it's different when there is a grade attached. i mean i work well in groups that i have my volunteer service with and other events building projects but when it comes to my school work..something that i am paying for. .it becomes different. .people have a butt load of excuses spurtig out of their ass every other second. .SWEAR and when it comes down to a meeting location no one wants to agree. .i mean whats wrong with meeting at school? we ALL do go there. .i pretty sure you know your way around campus. also, the timing is always wrong. you see, i know that the most of us are fond of our friend procrastination. .ive shaken his hand a few times and gone out for dinner once or twice but when it comes down to business. .we have to hang up on him and place him in a box to himself. .when it comes to group work, you have to be able to produce your section of the finiding when called for. .especially if you're collabing with another member and they are depending on your part. .and you're the FIRST part!! #imjustsaying

(sigh) anywho. .it's over for now. sad part is, being in my profession you're FORCED t6o be in groups because we have to be able to master the skills of communication and working in groups. .collaboration of ideas is encouraged. .but im always afraid of people taking claims of what is originally yours as theirs. .esp since it's happened to me quite often. .SMH

hurting confliction

time for some ramblance yea?
well these past few weeks have been HELL. .emotionally && physically draining. .ive been going to school, working, working out, finding time to make sure i dont lose friends by calling them, or hanging out on the weekday ihave free [saturday] IF ii dont have a project to finish, paper to write, test to study for or presentation to prepare. .btw school's been in for six weeks now && i'm looking forward to finals. .just so it'll be OVER!! ugh, BUT it's far from over. .

well. .distance is pure joy && bliss. .just wish i was away. .from it ALL.

FRiENDS
as of now. .iHave a handful that are slipping through the cracks and falling onto the floor, cracking theirs heads on the way down && then asking me for help. .well our friendship has become humpty dumpty like. .can't be put back together again. .
the pieces dont fit anymore. .glue wont hold. .and i frankly just dont give a damn. im TiRED of the abuse, misuse && mistreatment. .[can i? will u? you gotta! c'mon.]

BEST FRiENDS
HA! what is that really? just mean that you're able to DO && SAY whatever you please as long as YOU'RE the one that's NOT hurt and the Earth revovles around. .RiGHT? it's all about YOU. .i guess that BEST stands for your BEST. .see, iDONT believe in best friends!! NOooOooOOo!! they just lead to disappointment!! you expect the MOST from them and end up with the LEAST. im not saying that people dont have true best friends BUT for ME, i dont. .never had. .iAM a GREAT friend and even better BEST FRIEND!! i am the one that's ALWAYS there, && when it's MY turn to ask for a little help, advice, need someone to talk to. .NOPE. .NO ANSWER. .everything is kept to myself. .imean can i just make a simple phone call without having any real means of the call other than JUST TO TALK. .NO it has to be on your terms and IF you feel like talking then it HAS to be ALL about you && IF im able to put a word in edgewise. .you make sure to delete what i said at once and turn it right back on yourself!! SELFISH!! yuuppp. .that's what you are. .but HERE. .istill stand. .still stood. .nope. .ihad two best friends. .now. .ihave NONE. .serious, DONT call yourself the best of anything if all you can do is give your WORSE!!


hm. .idk why. .well i do && then idont. .but i've been really feeling annoyed by a person that i consider to be very close to. .not a best friend. .but a very good friend. .but distance came between us and im noticing change. i guess i nevee expected for the person to change. .well at least not toward me. .but just like the rest of us. .they are only human and sometimes we cant help the way we are. .but to be rude after i told you what was bothering me gets old very quickly. .ifeel as if im losing my sense of self because of the people ive let in && let me down. .so more often theses days i look down. .ifeel down. .but im NOT down for anything. .

crazy thing is. .STRANGERS seem to know me better than my FRiENDS!! they come up to me and give me a hug. .ask me if im okay because im NOT myself that day. .they then check up on me a few hours later or the next day. .when my friends seem to quickly forget && move on to the next. .whatever's going on with them. .&& like a suckerish good friend, i continue the deed and be there. .that shoulder to cry on. .that ear that listens. .those arms that embrace. .yet the look upon my face says it all. .

im changing. .&& idk if it's for the better. .then state of mind that iAm in ijdgaf about it ALL right now. .if you're my friend, then you are. .but not really. .and if you're not. .thank you for being honest. i catch myself not willing to give anyone a fair chance anymore && it's not their fault BUT those from the past or remain. .imean UGH GOD!! it's HARD!! but i have to. .you have to LET GO!! i can no longer carry the burdens of you all. .STOP coming to me with ALL the NEGATIVITY!!
seriously y'all. .im getting gray hairs. .im too young for this nonsense. .you call yourself my friend but cant hold more than a 5min conversation about irrelivacne. .imean my iPod talks to me more. .it feels what ifeel and tries to sooth me. .

*(sigh)
im done