today's projects

i am currently at work. .waiting to start my shift. .&& yes it is 7:04pm.
haha


well today has to be one of THE longest days!! && why does it always have to be on the days when you get the least amount of sleep and just dont feel well that you have the WHOLE WORLD to conquer!! SWEAR!!
which brings me to a semi off topic subject..im so through with group projects. for one, ive NEVER been the type who liked to work in groups and collab on ideas. iknow for those who know me and see how outgoing i am, prolly became shockened BUT it's different when there is a grade attached. i mean i work well in groups that i have my volunteer service with and other events building projects but when it comes to my school work..something that i am paying for. .it becomes different. .people have a butt load of excuses spurtig out of their ass every other second. .SWEAR and when it comes down to a meeting location no one wants to agree. .i mean whats wrong with meeting at school? we ALL do go there. .i pretty sure you know your way around campus. also, the timing is always wrong. you see, i know that the most of us are fond of our friend procrastination. .ive shaken his hand a few times and gone out for dinner once or twice but when it comes down to business. .we have to hang up on him and place him in a box to himself. .when it comes to group work, you have to be able to produce your section of the finiding when called for. .especially if you're collabing with another member and they are depending on your part. .and you're the FIRST part!! #imjustsaying

(sigh) anywho. .it's over for now. sad part is, being in my profession you're FORCED t6o be in groups because we have to be able to master the skills of communication and working in groups. .collaboration of ideas is encouraged. .but im always afraid of people taking claims of what is originally yours as theirs. .esp since it's happened to me quite often. .SMH

hurting confliction

time for some ramblance yea?
well these past few weeks have been HELL. .emotionally && physically draining. .ive been going to school, working, working out, finding time to make sure i dont lose friends by calling them, or hanging out on the weekday ihave free [saturday] IF ii dont have a project to finish, paper to write, test to study for or presentation to prepare. .btw school's been in for six weeks now && i'm looking forward to finals. .just so it'll be OVER!! ugh, BUT it's far from over. .

well. .distance is pure joy && bliss. .just wish i was away. .from it ALL.

FRiENDS
as of now. .iHave a handful that are slipping through the cracks and falling onto the floor, cracking theirs heads on the way down && then asking me for help. .well our friendship has become humpty dumpty like. .can't be put back together again. .
the pieces dont fit anymore. .glue wont hold. .and i frankly just dont give a damn. im TiRED of the abuse, misuse && mistreatment. .[can i? will u? you gotta! c'mon.]

BEST FRiENDS
HA! what is that really? just mean that you're able to DO && SAY whatever you please as long as YOU'RE the one that's NOT hurt and the Earth revovles around. .RiGHT? it's all about YOU. .i guess that BEST stands for your BEST. .see, iDONT believe in best friends!! NOooOooOOo!! they just lead to disappointment!! you expect the MOST from them and end up with the LEAST. im not saying that people dont have true best friends BUT for ME, i dont. .never had. .iAM a GREAT friend and even better BEST FRIEND!! i am the one that's ALWAYS there, && when it's MY turn to ask for a little help, advice, need someone to talk to. .NOPE. .NO ANSWER. .everything is kept to myself. .imean can i just make a simple phone call without having any real means of the call other than JUST TO TALK. .NO it has to be on your terms and IF you feel like talking then it HAS to be ALL about you && IF im able to put a word in edgewise. .you make sure to delete what i said at once and turn it right back on yourself!! SELFISH!! yuuppp. .that's what you are. .but HERE. .istill stand. .still stood. .nope. .ihad two best friends. .now. .ihave NONE. .serious, DONT call yourself the best of anything if all you can do is give your WORSE!!


hm. .idk why. .well i do && then idont. .but i've been really feeling annoyed by a person that i consider to be very close to. .not a best friend. .but a very good friend. .but distance came between us and im noticing change. i guess i nevee expected for the person to change. .well at least not toward me. .but just like the rest of us. .they are only human and sometimes we cant help the way we are. .but to be rude after i told you what was bothering me gets old very quickly. .ifeel as if im losing my sense of self because of the people ive let in && let me down. .so more often theses days i look down. .ifeel down. .but im NOT down for anything. .

crazy thing is. .STRANGERS seem to know me better than my FRiENDS!! they come up to me and give me a hug. .ask me if im okay because im NOT myself that day. .they then check up on me a few hours later or the next day. .when my friends seem to quickly forget && move on to the next. .whatever's going on with them. .&& like a suckerish good friend, i continue the deed and be there. .that shoulder to cry on. .that ear that listens. .those arms that embrace. .yet the look upon my face says it all. .

im changing. .&& idk if it's for the better. .then state of mind that iAm in ijdgaf about it ALL right now. .if you're my friend, then you are. .but not really. .and if you're not. .thank you for being honest. i catch myself not willing to give anyone a fair chance anymore && it's not their fault BUT those from the past or remain. .imean UGH GOD!! it's HARD!! but i have to. .you have to LET GO!! i can no longer carry the burdens of you all. .STOP coming to me with ALL the NEGATIVITY!!
seriously y'all. .im getting gray hairs. .im too young for this nonsense. .you call yourself my friend but cant hold more than a 5min conversation about irrelivacne. .imean my iPod talks to me more. .it feels what ifeel and tries to sooth me. .

*(sigh)
im done

can't focus

i can't focus on the task at hand. .my mind is going all around the question at hand. .im over here staring at a blank study guide for a test that i have tomorrow. .the one that was almost complete. .momentarily misplaced. .ima find it. .i guess that is why my mind, body and soul has given up. .grrr. .ugh. .im alone in silence. .except for the faint blair of a radio next door. .other than that, it's just me and these questions. .yet, i can't escape my thoughts. .they keep coming and knocking on my dome. .but they dont want to come in. .instead they want to get out. .but it's a bunch of nonsense. .like SHUT UP!! I CANT FOCUS!! the day went swell, i guess. .imean the usual ups and downs and a lot of people were down due to the weather. .but the chill in the air kept me on my toes. .now, im tired. .body is sore as flip and the work shift was long and became longer as we counted down the hours!! my phone goes off, another text that makes my heart drop with heavy high hopes that it's YOU texting me. .but NOPE. .so, my heart fall, shatters and no longer beats. .slowly pieces itself together again as i wait a little longer until i force myself to forget that i even care. .ugh. .i can't focus. .losing my balance. .my eyes are getting heavier by the second and the light of the laptop doesnt help. .*(deep inhale && slow release of an exhale) -literally- left shoulder blade is tense and stiff. .ima cry. .no not really. .could care less to do so. .the bed calls me. .altho it's 10:02pm. .but the alarm sounds of at 5:30am. .what.to.do. when you simply can't focus on the task at hand. . . =0/

WHY?

who in the HELL gave out my NEW NUMBER?
there is a reason as to why certain ppl DON'T have it.
i mean what was the point of changing it in the first place.
it's MY number NOT yours to give!!
i'd be nice if you asked for permission first.
UGH!!
GRR!!
im SO upset && when i find out who did it, Oh there shall be hell let loose.
*(sigh) until then. .
for future reference DON'T give my number out. .idc WHO it is. .mmkay?!

>[

it just slipped out. .[again]

alright, so before i jump this off. .i want to say HI && THANK YOU for your time :) trying to see. .get the feel if i want to ramble or rhyme. .or a rambling rhyme. haha
well here it is and DONT JUDGE ME!! haha

SO. it slipped out. .again.
just right when you were getting into the groove of this.
i fumbled.
flipped.
wigged out to say.
go a little nervous.
i let my emoitons get the best of me.
although i wanted to fulfill my urge.
REALLY wanted to explode.
let go.
BUT
FEAR got the best of me.
you make me feel as though im the most important figure in your life.
the most beautiful thing in sight.
the reason that you can live a stronger
better life.
the reason why you push yourself harder.
and it was my time to repay you.
im usually the one full of words.
well, im ALWAYS the one full of words.
but this time. .this ONE time was my time to shine.
my time you allow you to sit back and unwind.
look into the depths of my eyes and lose yourself.
unleash all that's built up.
i mean after all that can't be good for your health.
it started off slow
the pace then fasten
steady
easy
nice
melodic flow
th it was my time to swicth the roll
shifted my body to the left
as yours cruised to the right
deep down inside
i was ready to show
what i always hide.
lights dim.
music low.
breaths high pulse.
palms sweaty.
in my mind the line plays.
"you shut it down down down. you be the baddest girl around round round. ."
take that as motivation.
knowing that gets the blood pumping.
heart jumping.
and then i stop.
and THINK.
instead of allowing things to just be.
i move.
it slips out.
go back.
regain thoughts.
rotate.
regain the flow. .
a sway here.
pull there.
giggles released. .
moans increased.
i get into it.
and then i stop and THINK.
don't want to stop BUT my mind takes over.
controlling the body.
im NOT afraid.
BUT SOMETHING stops me.
it's not me.
but the inner me.
the wiser me.
but the freaky me wants to be seen.
battling within myself.
it's as if i need to call in for help.
look around.
i see you.
feel your body.
BUT im all alone.
me against me
yet me on you
it's hard to detect the two.
roll to your right side.
i curl up && hide
pride shut down.
tears held back.
wanting to shout.
let it ALL out.
be able to say I DID THAT!!
the feeling of being accomplishment.
BUT.
NOPE.
it slipped out
[again]
for the final time.
no retry.
and its ALL MY FAULT.
lose by default
=[

content

SO let me do a semi brief update.
the post about the whole ex factor. .let's shine a light on that.
SO to my liking and very random suprise he contacted me. .i want to know who tipped him off. naw jk. as of now, we are on speaking terms and then it turns complicated. i refuse to go into to the depths of details. .but just know that i know that you know that we know how that all goes when you run into an ex. .but for me it seems to be a little different. .imean im content. .but there's that something. .that missing link. .that unknown. .that umph that draws me in. .keeps me interested and then it's that one thing that pushes me away. .just makes me wonder what am i doing. .i know what he's about and where things can end up. .where it's all leading. .then again it's not fair for me to judge him. i may think i know him. .known him for several years. .but he still shocks me. .keeps me on my toes. .just when i think ive figured him out. .im unsure all over again. .and then that's when im reminded that maybe i dotn know. .and it's rude to assume. .[ASS U ME]and that sometimes the hidden suprises are the token loves. .OH I DONT KNOW. i had something wise && witty to say but that i was interrupted by the new comers gawking at my hair. .which btw is STRAiGHT and i did it myself. .maybe i'll try to keep it up for a bit. .it was much easier with the new product. .im happie for now. .and the reponses have been positive..but i wonder what he'll think. .OH GOSH look at me. .ima stop once again. .gotta get ready for the next shift. .&& OOH LORD hold me back from slapping that old bitty. .OOooOoh -Cao Bella

restlessness

hm. .i am at work. .been here since 5:56am because im a good girl and like to be on time :) haha well. .that means that ive been up since 5am. .and the drive wasnt that bad. .except for the casual a-holes that decided that me pushing 80mph wast fast enough and high beamed me. .oh and the two loser faces that wanted to rev their engine && race. (uh-no)
anyway. .i am currently on break. .and when im given a break, it usually turns into the exact opposite. i dont know how to keep still. .i always have to up && about doing SOMETHiNG or else i lose my mind. .since break ive cleaned up, checked facebook, walk the track. .moved my car, changed my clothes, and sticken up several random conversations. .i feel bad for calling people this early in the morning on a saturday BUT this is when i have the time. .haha didnt really make any calls, just talked to some co-workers i dont usually fratinize with && allowed strangers to contact me on fb messenger. .
oh the things guys say. btw. they are LAME!! guys. .UGH.
that's a WHOLE nother blog. .that i should write if i have the time. .i mean i do have 30mins to spare. .
random -my tatt itches. .] just got my fourth on behind my right ear && -tiph you were right, i didnt feel a thing!! yay me :] i actually caught myself falling asleep. .makes me want to do the Rihanna and get one all the way down my back..haha NOT.
hm. .i didnt sleep very well last night. .
-wait. .phone call && now a text. .psht-
dude, your lost im NOT answering = MiSSED CALL
-back to Pandora. .which SAVES my life when i have to do the tables. ugh. these people. .
alright i think im about done with this ramblance because it's obvioulsy not going anywhere. .if you read this. .im SORRY haha just needed to vent?
-on to the next on on to the next one. .
-an update or something new? we shall see

to say. .or to continue to just think it

to admitt that you actually love or miss someone is HARD and it comes with self realization. i have noticed that i can't help but to feel this way. at first, i always felt as though something was wrong with me. is there a sense of feeling needy, miss that lack of love or the feeling that someone NEEDS me. .WANTS me. .and proves that they love me in MORE than just WORDS? actions are missed, feelings that were felt and grew to infinite limits. the passion was undeniably strong. BUT it came to an end.
not to say that i am not over him is confusing at times. i know that what we had was great at the time but now i know that my heart is elsewhere. however, there is a void. it's not that i want him back excatly. it's just that after over a year of being in a relationship you get use to certain things and standards. you get use to planning your day around that person. you get use to checking in, making plans, reassuring and having that reassurance. .
i mean. we have all had our share of relationships or at least crushes, or crushes and know how you felt. the feeling is light and carefree and mystical in a way. it takes you to greater heights and once it's done weighs you down with questions: who would have known? what happened? when did it change? why is it over? how will i continue?
the questions swirl about and linger. .when in your head you want to throw up the middle finger. throw your hands up in the air and yell you dont care. but you do. more than you care to. .and there's nothing you can do.
when in the relationship there is two. .but before that. .there is you. after, there still remains a you with a better self knowing of him and yourself as well. you have to embrace the experience and LEARN from it ALL. .
it's like i could tell the world how i feel but that wouldnt do me any good because im not saying it to you. .but how can i tell you when you dont want to listen. im not trying to revive anything back just want to convey what i lack. .which is. .my once best friend
-aew 10

hungry

stomach's growling
pulse is elevated
palms sweating
mouth watering
hands shaking
foot tapping
head bobbing
focus lost
temple's throbbing
the pounding sensation increasing
feeling more and more
weak
at each moment's passing
but
you like this feeling
too lazy to feed the pains
stricken by the hunger
the heart pants
makes you stop
and think
realize that you are real
that you do feel
that you are not as independent as you think
the aches grow stronger
as the light dims
seconds grow longer
you feel faint
try to stand
it's an awkward restraint
unable to deal
you decide
to scrummage up a meal
roll over and get up
reach up
bend down
turn around
and serve
a dish is best cold
when your hunger is revenge
-aew 10

miss written

miss written is often misread, thus the information becomes mislead.
in the abundance of it all there is an empty slot to be filled. those that acquire a greater good in ways of expressions are often taken as unusual. creation of extended creativity becomes hidden. smitten with love that comes with the passion begins to lack. not necessarily wanting to please the peers, but not wanting to be downed by there sneers. most don't understand the amount of time that it takes in order to compose a simple sentence that meddles around in the mind causing a constant headache that surmounts to more than a writer's block. but in a way a complete discouraging. feeling as if your words aren't good enough. that what you have to say isn't worth being heard, when in the end when it is all said and done that is all you want to do. BE HEARD. maybe even fractionally understood. the way of the words can move, persuade, motivate and exude so much. the strength and magic of it all compels me to continue. .don't ever let your words fall flat. all that lies in the back of your mind allow it to spill out all over the page and understand that there is more to even a simple period. punctuate to elevate with the purpose to relate and express without any remorse nor further explanation that what you've already given. . . -aew 10

first is always the hardest

when one is to begin something, the starting point is always the hardest to set, put into play and accomplish. in the mind there is already some kind of goal set; whether it be big or small, we create an ideal ending to every situation. within this, I see this as a venture. writing is my P A S S i O N and I hold it very dear to my heart. those that have the overly creative juices flow understand what I mean. there are times when I just can't STOP thinking nor writing for anything. the main goal of my life is to W R i T E and lend an ear. I give advice to those as they go through all life's experiences. I have been told I am years beyond my age, but still keep an youthful appeal. life is a mystical, vastly open relm that has room for each to explore at their own time and leisure. however, if you become to lazy, you're forced in a direction that you rather not take. I guess all in all what I am trying to say is that the first step is always the hardest, it's not meant to be a leap. take your time to prepare, but too much times leads to an inevitable push forward that you may not be able to substain. .-aew 10