hurting confliction

time for some ramblance yea?
well these past few weeks have been HELL. .emotionally && physically draining. .ive been going to school, working, working out, finding time to make sure i dont lose friends by calling them, or hanging out on the weekday ihave free [saturday] IF ii dont have a project to finish, paper to write, test to study for or presentation to prepare. .btw school's been in for six weeks now && i'm looking forward to finals. .just so it'll be OVER!! ugh, BUT it's far from over. .

well. .distance is pure joy && bliss. .just wish i was away. .from it ALL.

FRiENDS
as of now. .iHave a handful that are slipping through the cracks and falling onto the floor, cracking theirs heads on the way down && then asking me for help. .well our friendship has become humpty dumpty like. .can't be put back together again. .
the pieces dont fit anymore. .glue wont hold. .and i frankly just dont give a damn. im TiRED of the abuse, misuse && mistreatment. .[can i? will u? you gotta! c'mon.]

BEST FRiENDS
HA! what is that really? just mean that you're able to DO && SAY whatever you please as long as YOU'RE the one that's NOT hurt and the Earth revovles around. .RiGHT? it's all about YOU. .i guess that BEST stands for your BEST. .see, iDONT believe in best friends!! NOooOooOOo!! they just lead to disappointment!! you expect the MOST from them and end up with the LEAST. im not saying that people dont have true best friends BUT for ME, i dont. .never had. .iAM a GREAT friend and even better BEST FRIEND!! i am the one that's ALWAYS there, && when it's MY turn to ask for a little help, advice, need someone to talk to. .NOPE. .NO ANSWER. .everything is kept to myself. .imean can i just make a simple phone call without having any real means of the call other than JUST TO TALK. .NO it has to be on your terms and IF you feel like talking then it HAS to be ALL about you && IF im able to put a word in edgewise. .you make sure to delete what i said at once and turn it right back on yourself!! SELFISH!! yuuppp. .that's what you are. .but HERE. .istill stand. .still stood. .nope. .ihad two best friends. .now. .ihave NONE. .serious, DONT call yourself the best of anything if all you can do is give your WORSE!!


hm. .idk why. .well i do && then idont. .but i've been really feeling annoyed by a person that i consider to be very close to. .not a best friend. .but a very good friend. .but distance came between us and im noticing change. i guess i nevee expected for the person to change. .well at least not toward me. .but just like the rest of us. .they are only human and sometimes we cant help the way we are. .but to be rude after i told you what was bothering me gets old very quickly. .ifeel as if im losing my sense of self because of the people ive let in && let me down. .so more often theses days i look down. .ifeel down. .but im NOT down for anything. .

crazy thing is. .STRANGERS seem to know me better than my FRiENDS!! they come up to me and give me a hug. .ask me if im okay because im NOT myself that day. .they then check up on me a few hours later or the next day. .when my friends seem to quickly forget && move on to the next. .whatever's going on with them. .&& like a suckerish good friend, i continue the deed and be there. .that shoulder to cry on. .that ear that listens. .those arms that embrace. .yet the look upon my face says it all. .

im changing. .&& idk if it's for the better. .then state of mind that iAm in ijdgaf about it ALL right now. .if you're my friend, then you are. .but not really. .and if you're not. .thank you for being honest. i catch myself not willing to give anyone a fair chance anymore && it's not their fault BUT those from the past or remain. .imean UGH GOD!! it's HARD!! but i have to. .you have to LET GO!! i can no longer carry the burdens of you all. .STOP coming to me with ALL the NEGATIVITY!!
seriously y'all. .im getting gray hairs. .im too young for this nonsense. .you call yourself my friend but cant hold more than a 5min conversation about irrelivacne. .imean my iPod talks to me more. .it feels what ifeel and tries to sooth me. .

*(sigh)
im done